she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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