You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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