dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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