i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
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I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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