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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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