my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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