You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
