This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so much tequila, so little girl.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
