I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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