i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
