Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
