The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
