You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit