I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.