I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
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We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.