Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
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So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
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I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug