Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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