Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
