The maid of honor just puked.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
