Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
