I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
