Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Randomize
