i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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