What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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