I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
