Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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