She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
