I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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