I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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