She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You pole danced in your parka.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
