You made me cry and you don't even care
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
