last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
