4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
