My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
