can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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