im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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