i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
