Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
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Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.