why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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