Who did Billy Mays play for?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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