getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
