If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
