Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
