Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
