it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
