I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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