Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
