ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
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It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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