i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I think I just sharted jello shots
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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