Dude my mom stole all your condoms
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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