I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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