community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
