I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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