im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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