I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Everyone says I win the strip club
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
