Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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