I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
