Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
