she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
