I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
