I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You dont lie about slip and slides
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
