just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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