I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
