watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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