I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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