I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
