If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
