I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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